Date Sent: Sun, Mar 8, 2009 at 11:30 PMOne Thursday evening, several months ago I was supposed to meet for prayer with the Women's Pastor and the wife of our Lead Pastor, but I ended up being almost 30 minutes late. Why? Because I was out in the parking lot considering committing suicide. I had gotten so discouraged... so overwhelmed... I felt so horrible physically that I couldn't tolerate it any longer. Finally I got out of the car and went inside. To be honest, what stopped me (besides God) was what people might have said afterward "How sad, she was just steps away from the church building, and a PRAYER meeting. Why didn't she just go inside and ask someone for help and to pray for her?" When I ended up leaving that evening (after praying with these women of God) my problems hadn't gone away. Some of those thoughts lingered. But instead of me wanting to throw in the towel, I was more determined to find a way for me to feel physically better.
If my memory serves me correctly, I phoned the doctor's office the next day, and he decreased the strength of one of the pills I took (which wasn't "supposed to need to be done."). Within 24 hours I began to feel better. When I met with the two ladies that next Thursday they both commented on the huge change in my physical appearance and demeanor. I wasn't "all better," and still didn't feel "good." But God had answered my prayers. I had come back from the edge and back to the point that I could at least tolerate it. That night as I prayed with them I silently pleaded with God not to let me get to that point of desperation again.
So, now you know the back story. Fast forward several months, and it's now February 2009. I suddenly began to show symptoms that my body's getting slightly too much medicine - I'm slightly "over-dilated." A couple weeks go by and it's now the beginning of March and more side effects have appeared. They're not intolerable yet, and not enough that my doctor would do anything about them. But they're there - hanging over me - constantly reminding me of that Thursday evening not so long ago. Most of them are just things I feel, but the main one that other people can see is a slight flushing to my face. For several days I've been pleading with God again - begging that His will ISN'T for me to feel as horrible as I did before. I'm not sure if I'd have the strength to go through it again.
This morning Aaron stayed home with Alex (who has pink eye), and I went to church with Harrison. On the way there I was pleading with God again. (My kids are going to grow up thinking their Momma's crazy 'cause she constantly talks with God as if He's standing beside her. Please note that I don't pray out loud about things the kids shouldn't be hearing!) I parked the car, and as I pushed the stroller toward the door I gave one final plea: "God, why am I getting red again? I know you give me strength for each new day, but I won't be able to survive that again. Dear, God, WHY?" Immediately the outdoor speakers (which were broadcasting the service that had already started) began to play "my song"...How great is our God! - Sing with me - How great is our God! - And all will see how great, - How great is our God. I started to tear up. Once again God used that song to answer the cry of my heart.
So, I went inside, took Harrison to the nursery, and phoned Aaron to tell him what wonderful thing just happened. Next came Sunday School and then a girlfriend surprised me and met me for second service (she was visiting from out-of-town with other friends). Today was communion. During the quiet time surrounding it my thoughts turned inward rather than just what Christ did for me on the cross. I thought about how "by his wounds we are healed" (Isaiah 53:5). I want to be healed. Once again I was asking God why I'm turning red again, why suddenly I'm getting all these unpleasant side effects. I was begging Him not to let me get to the horrible low point I had been at before - emotionally or physically. And then He spoke ... "PEACE. BE STILL." Immediately the quiet music being performed by the musicians up front changed to that same song ...How great is our God! Here are more of the lyrics... Age to age He stands. - And time is in His hands. - Beginning and the End. - Beginning and the End.
Once again I was crying. Why is it that in my humanity I keep wanting God to speed this thing up and just "make everything all better?" My mind knows that God's timing is always perfect, and He doesn't waste pain or suffering. But in my weakness I periodically just want this to be done. I don't know why it is I'm getting these side effects - it could be because I'm improving or because I'm getting sicker. But God reminded me that the future is in His more than capable hands.
In Mark 4:39, Jesus "...arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm." (KJV) All day today I thought I was the boat being rocked by the stormy wind and rough seas. But it just dawned on me that I was the person told that phrase today. Apparently I'm part of the storm causing the boat to rock. It follows that if I am still (and stop whining to God and working myself up with the possible unpleasant upcoming turns in the road) then there will be a great calm. Please join me in praying that I can follow God's direction: "Peace, Be Still."