#15 - Obedience...

Date Sent: Fri, May 2, 2008 at 5:40 PM

It is now Friday evening. This past Monday I sent an email asking for lots of prayer about my physical regression. The week prior to that had been a tiring one, with my breathing becoming more and more labored. It really looked like I needed an increase in my iv medicine dosage. I was quite discouraged about the possibility because God had continued to heal me so much over the past ten weeks that this would be my first increase since I left the hospital. An increase wouldn't have meant that God was no longer in control, but would have seemed like a set-back to me. I felt so strongly that this time I was supposed to take this matter to the Lord BEFORE calling the doctor. God didn't tell me NOT to call the doctor - He said NOT YET. And so we waited expectantly.

ON SUNDAY - I went forward for prayer at the end of the service. To be honest I was kicking and screaming inside as I did this (thanks mom for "encouraging" me to go up until I finally gave in!). After prayer I went 1.5 hours without oxygen.

ON MONDAY - I sent out the email asking for everyone to storm Heaven with prayers.

ON TUESDAY - I went to a ladies Bible Study at my church. I had hoped to share with the ladies about the amazing things God has been doing in my life. But instead God wanted me to be ministered to. Without my asking for prayer, several ladies came up to me and just started praying. One of them gave me a word from God - something He wanted to "heal" before He healed me physically. I struggled to understand how those specific areas of my life needed to be healed. When worship time was finished I went to class. I kept opening my mouth to share, but God kept closing it - over and over. At the end of class I finally realized why. The teacher had said that she felt that she was supposed to change her discussion for the day. The "new" topic spoke straight to my heart. We read several chapters in Joshua about the steps the Israelites took to enter the Promised Land. God showed me that the Promised Land isn't "perfection" (that's heaven!), it's "obedience". The Israelites wandered in the wilderness for over forty years from the time they were delivered from Egypt until they saw God's promise fulfilled - because they WEREN'T OBEDIENT. Once they reached the Promised Land, there was still a lot of work they had to do. God no longer fed them every day with manna from heaven, they had to start raising their own crops and caring for animals. But they finally learned OBEDIENCE. My life isn't perfect - all anyone has to do is look at me to see that it's not "ideal" - I have an iv bag hanging around my neck and oxygen tubing going into my nose. But I've reached the Promised Land! I've learned obedience - and boy, is that a hard lesson to learn!

ALSO ON TUESDAY - When I went to Bible Study, I knew I didn't have enough portable oxygen to get me through the 2.5 hours (plus travel time). One tank only lasts 1.5 hours. But I knew that something was drawing me there. So, I prayed and asked God to multiply the oxygen like the did the little boy's lunch in the New Testament. (He took 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, and multiplied it to feed 5000 men plus women and children with bushels and bushels left over!) I turned down the amount of oxygen I was getting in hopes it would stretch enough to get me through (guess I had some doubts there.....). It ran out just before 11:00 (before class was finished, and BEFORE I made the realization about the Promised Land). I didn't need to put it back on again until 3:00. I went FOUR HOURS without it! If I hadn't been obedient to go to Bible study, I wouldn't have experienced God taking care of my lungs.

ON WEDNESDAY - We decided to start attending Wednesday night Bible Study. This was our first time going as a family. Aaron went to the "ManZone" and got to "beat his chest" with the other guys as they talked about how to be godly men while maintaining their god-given masculinity. I went to a very tame (by comparison) women's class where they were working through a dvd series by Jennifer Rothschild (hope I didn't spell that wrong!). She used the stories of Joseph, Jonah and Paul to show how sometimes the "pit", "prison", "belly of a whale", and "thorn in your flesh" are actually a shelter from God to protect you, preserve you, and position you to do His work later. As I listened to the dvd I saw how our going through all of this could be to position us to do God's work. But I had such a hard time seeing how me being diagnosed with primary pulmonary hypertension - and my recent regression specifically - could be a SHELTER TO PROTECT ME. I decided that I needed to think about that some more. Later on in the dvd, Jennifer said something else that hit home to me. I got it. I understood how God needed to heal (improve) me in certain areas of my life that the woman the day before told me about when she prayed for me. If I hadn't been faithful to go to Bible study Wednesday, I would still be struggling to understand that word from God. Please join me in prayer as I try to let go and turn this area of my life over to God - so that He can heal me, and I can grow as a person.

LATER ON WEDNESDAY - Remember that this was our FIRST time going to Wednesday night Bible study.... I had joined MOPS (Mothers of PreSchoolers) last semester, and found it to be a great way to meet other young moms. This semester I wasn't able to make it to ANY of the meetings because of pre-scheduled ob doctor appointments - then I was in the hospital - then I didn't have the energy. Well just before we left church Wednesday I ran into the leader of MOPS (who has been receiving these emails). While chatting we realized that both of us had felt that I should tell my story at the last MOPS of the semester - the following morning. She had thought it was HER thinking this (as opposed to God), and I thought that since I hadn't registered for this semester, my story should just wait till the Fall. If we both had the same "gut feeling", then it was meant to be. So, I went home and refilled my oxygen canister and had Aaron show me how to switch to a new canister so I wouldn't run out the following morning. I then prayed about what I was supposed to say - and for lots of peace - I really am quite shy, especially in front of strangers.

ON THURSDAY - I went to MOPS. It was so nice to see a group of ladies who had prayed for me so faithfully these past several months. It was an encouragement FOR ME to have these strangers, who know so much about what goes on in my mind from reading these emails, come up to me and tell me that they're praying and trusting God to do a great miracle in my life. Well, time finally came for me to share my testimony for a few minutes. Oops! This quiet girl couldn't keep her mouth closed! I ended up talking right past the time the meeting was supposed to end! God had told me what I was supposed to say (the big point), but I wasn't sure how I was supposed to get there. I kinda rambled on and on, but the point finally got out. God is so amazing! And He wants EVERYONE to experience that - whether you're not a Christ-follower yet, or you are, but aren't as close to Him as you could be. It's still His desire.

ON FRIDAY - I got so frustrated! A week or two ago I walked up the stairs and my heart was beating so hard it felt it would jump out of my chest. I put my hand there, and FELT the "gallup" and "lift" the doctors had told me they could hear and feel. I was so shocked that I had Aaron feel it too! We barely had to place our hands on my chest and we could feel it beating so strongly (not a good sign). Well, each day I would check again to feel this weird thing my heart did. This morning I got SO FRUSTRATED because I had to SEARCH to even FIND my heart! Stupid me - it took me about an hour to realize that this is a GOOD THING - a VERY GOOD THING! So, mother (who is a nurse and a woman of God) and I started to discuss this whole week, and all the amazing things that I've experienced and learned.

IT'S POSSIBLE... - When one part of the body gets sick (or in my case - might be beginning to heal), it affects everything that's connected to it. It's possible that what I've been noticing the past week or two isn't me regressing. It's part of my body (my heart) being healed, and my lungs having to adapt. The part of my heart that's so huge is what pumps blood into the lungs. If it's shrinking then the pressures in my lungs are going to have to adjust. MAYBE my recent "regression" really IS God's SHELTER TO PROTECT ME AND PRESERVE ME! If I hadn't been faithful to go to church on Wednesday, I wouldn't be able to have that prospective! If the "problem" really is what I typed, then an INCREASE in medication would have made my situation WORSE.

ALSO - When my medicine is increased, there is a day or two of really bad side effects. If I had called the doctor on Monday, then I wouldn't have made it to church on Tuesday to be encouraged about the four hours without oxygen, or to learn that ideal life is supposed to be about "obedience" to God's guidance, not "perfection". If I had called the doctor on Tuesday, then I wouldn't have made it to church on Wednesday to be encouraged that what seems bad in our lives really can be a blessing from God - we don't see the whole picture. If I hadn't gone to church Wednesday, I wouldn't have run into Melaney, and wouldn't have shared at MOPS on Thursday. Who knows what good will come from that. One person has already spoken with me about how it helped her. It was so worth it for me to get out of my comfort zone (and all the other ladies to be bored out of their minds for all I know) for that ONE person to hear what she said she needed to hear.

BUT WHAT ABOUT TODAY? - This morning when I woke up I started praying about this medicine increase I thought I needed. It's Friday, and will be hard to reach the doctor over the weekend. So it's today or wait longer. God said not today, yet again. Maybe it will end up being Monday, or maybe it will be an indefinite "not today". Maybe my medicine will need to be increased eventually, and that will be okay with me. But it didn't happen this week. I guess this week God taught me that if we obey Him in the small things, even when they don't make sense (like NOT calling the doctor when I felt poorly), that He'll take care of the big things. I'm still on oxygen. But there's a reason for it. Let's see what this weekend brings!

~ Julia