Welcome to A Million Miracles.

In February of 2008 I was diagnosed with an incurable, progressive and terminal condition called Idiopathic Primary Pulmonary Hypertension (PH). In retrospect, we can trace this illness back to at least January of 2004, but you can have it for several years before you notice any symptoms. My diagnosis came after I was hospitalized for what ended up being almost three weeks - spent consecutively in three different hospitals - two of them being in ICU units. Over the past year we have been sending email updates to family and friends concerning my medical/physical journey as well as lessons I'm learning as a result.

These are those emails. There's no rhyme or reason as to when I send out another email update. It just happens when "the Spirit moves." But whenever I write and send one, I will also post it on this blog.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

#32 - Back in the Saddle Again

Date Sent: Fri, Jan 9, 2009 at 1:17 PM

It's been just over a month since my last email update. The Christmas season was wonderfully busy in our house. We decorated on Black Friday, and took down the decorations just before New Year's. I would have loved to keep them up longer because I absolutely live for Christmas, but the tree was starting to shed needles (it was a fir, so it held up very well considering), and we wanted it out for trash day before Aaron had to return to work.

In the beginning of December I started a new pill called Tracleer, that's supposed to help with my PH. You take a 1/2 dose for a month, and then as long as you're doing okay on it, you start the full dose. My first full dose pill will be this evening. Hopefully I'll respond well to the increase. Just before I started this pill I was getting out of breath walking up a flight of steps again, and a week after starting I walked about 1/4 mile and did okay. So, it seems to be helping a lot! I'm hoping that the full dose will make my life even better! There are side effects, though. Mostly so far it's just heat flashes (I now have so much more empathy for women going through menopause!). But it can also cause some pretty serious liver damage, so I have to get my blood checked once a month to make sure my liver's doing okay. But if this pill is what God wants me to take, then He'll protect my liver.

In the end of December (a full year ago) or beginning of last January I wanted so desperately to get "back into shape." So, I got on our treadmill to do a little exercise. Those 60 seconds were probably the most discouraging ones I had had up to that point. I was walking on the slowest possible setting, and still didn't last even a full minute. You can only imagine the horrible things I told myself when I had to stop and sit down so I wouldn't pass out. This was probably a month or so before I was hospitalized and diagnosed with PH. Well, it's been a year since that moment of defeat, and whenever I am in our bedroom I still try to avoid even glancing at the treadmill because those horrible feelings come flooding back so easily.

Well, this morning the boys woke up early, so I decided it was time to get back in the saddle again. So, I put on the oxygen and the pulse-ox on my finger (to check my pulse and the oxygen saturation of my blood) and started. Before I even turned it on my heart was racing - I was so scared that I'd feel that same kind of defeat again. I shouldn't have, because I can now do grocery shopping with both kiddos. But the last time was so traumatizing that I was really nervous. I ended up only walking about 10 minutes, and at a speed of 1.3 (which wasn't quite the slowest possible). But I wanted success more than "impressive" numbers. AND I DID IT! My oxygen sats even stayed in the mid 90s! Next time I'll try going longer or without oxygen and see how I do. But it's the first time back that's the hardest.

Now that it's almost one year since I was hospitalized, Aaron and I keep reliving some of our experiences, and reprocessing everything. I guess it's part of the normal grief cycle. We can see how far God's brought us, and are awestruck! My energy level is better than it was TWO years ago at this time. (I know that because two years ago we were house hunting and packing, so I remember how tired I was during that process.) I'm not where I want to be, but Praise God I'm not where I have been. I keep moving i the "right" direction!

Blessings.

~ Julia
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