#13 - Faith despite doubts

Date Sent: Sun, Apr 20, 2008 at 5:10 PM

We have a friend who's email signature used to be the quote, "Faith is not believing He can, it's knowing that He will!" For months I'd glance at the quote when I read an email from her, and thought "isn't that nice - she has a religious quote. Most people don't profess their faith in such an open way" (although we all should). But then one day a week or two ago the quote took on a whole new meaning for me. My heart read it instead of just my brain. I know that God can heal me if he chooses to - but that's just "head knowledge". He was good enough to PROMISE me healing. It's the expectantly WAITING for the fulfillment of that promise that's strengthening my faith.

I've had lots of doubts during these past two months. Doubts that I could do something I was about to try for the first time since being hospitalized - like trying to go from my hospital bed to a chair after being bed-ridden for almost two weeks. But God kept giving me His strength for each new task. I've had doubts that I'd ever bond to this tiny crying person who I'm told is my son. I was pregnant and in an ICU in Pittsburgh when I was told they were about to intubate me because I wasn't doing well. Then suddenly it was several days later, and I was in a different hospital's ICU with a smaller tummy. Nine days after he was born Harrison and I were introduced for the first time without me being sedated enough that I can remember the experience. Harrison looks enough like Alex that I'm sure they're brothers, but he still doesn't feel like my SON.

I've even had doubts that the promise of healing really came from God, and not from wishful thinking. So far it looks like I'm the only person God's actually promised this healing to. He hasn't told my husband or even my mother that this will happen. Just me. It's that "just" that can throw me so easily. Rather than viewing this as being something extra SPECIAL that God was benevolent enough to reassure me of, something special because the creator of the universe took the time to speak to ME - it's easy to think that I must be wrong or I wouldn't be the only one to know this.

I've struggled on more than one occasion wondering if I have a false hope. Last week I had a first - a really difficult first. I saw someone's eyes say to me, "I'm so sorry that you're dying." Isn't that crazy!?! Nine weeks ago I was told that I have a terminal illness and there wasn't much chance of me making it through the next several days. But this was the FIRST time someone's eyes conveyed that sort of pity. Maybe it was really empathy, but my pride read it as pity. It really set me back emotionally and I began to question God's promise again. Then this same God who holds the stars in place was kind enough to reach down where I was and reassure me that it WAS His voice I heard.

The last email I sent (two weeks ago today) ended with the lyrics, "And all will see how great, How great is our God." (For those of you who might not remember - I was at church and prayed that I didn't know why I was going through these trials, and then these song lyrics were immediately sung.) God's answer was that this is happening so that "all will see how great He is." Well, God used those lyrics to encourage me again this past week.

Our church has a Tuesday morning ladies Bible study that I used to go to (till I got sick). Being the shy person that I have been these past several years, most of the ladies (I'd guess 70-80 on an average morning) probably didn't even know my name. Well, this past Tuesday I finally made it back again. There is always a time where the ladies can share "kisses from the King" - a testimony/praise time about how God did something wonderful in her life (and each gets a Hershey's kiss after she shares). Well, after all the "kisses" God's showered on us these past several months, I decided to go way outside of my comfort zone and stand up. After an extremely tear-filled praise, I sat down and the doubts came back before I could finish my chocolate - it's amazing how quickly Satan can step in to discourage us! I replayed in my mind when I was in the hospital bed and God promised me an eventual healing, and decided that I guess it's possible that it was my mind speaking, rather than Him. As soon as I started paying attention to what was going on around me, that SAME SONG was being sung AGAIN!

I can't explain how humbling it was to have God speak to me AGAIN. I have faith enough to BELIEVE THAT HE CAN heal me, but I keep questioning, and don't always have enough faith to KNOW THAT HE WILL. I told God that I finally get the point. He's reassured me time and time again that it was He who spoke to me, that He promised I WILL be healed, and that the reason this is happening is so that people will see how great He is - how He really does care what problems we're all dealing with. Even if you don't hear God speaking to you, He is still aware of your joys and your pain. I've learned this lesson!

Tomorrow evening we will attend a meeting at a newly formed support group in this area for people who have pulmonary hypertension. For the first time we'll get to talk to some other people who have some similar struggles to some of ours. We're hoping to find encouragement and maybe learn a few helpful hints from other people who have learned how to function with this "new" lifestyle. But we already have our source of strength dealing with this - a heavenly Father who is with us each step of the way.

Here are some improvements I've made that I haven't mentioned in these emails yet:
- Aaron changes my hickman dressing once a week now, not the nurse
- We no longer need a visiting nurse to come each day, or even each week, or at all!
- I only need oxygen to sleep - I don't even need it on rainy days anymore (though I'm still tired because of the humidity)
- I'm doing more "housewife" chores - like washing/preparing baby bottles and cooking a bit
- I'm now taking over more care and play with Alex (dressing him, fixing his food, disciplining him, etc.)
- I was able to get a handicapped placard for my car - so I now have more energy when going out because of less walking
- I'm now comfortable driving short distances alone (versus needing someone else in the car with me)
- We've now done some "family outings" - getting ice cream twice, and going out to eat last night.
- I've gone with Aaron to do errands for a few hours twice now, and haven't returned home exhausted

Points for prayer:
- PATIENCE - I've grown sick of pacing myself. I need to have more patience with myself so I don't slow down the healing process, or regress.
- For Aaron to figure out how to balance work/home the best. He has rediscovered the importance of memories, and spending time together, but he still needs to get work done too. It's so hard to concentrate when you're heart is somewhere else.
- For those who have committed to pray for us to continue to do so. It's easy to get sidetracked with our busy lives, and for prayer to drop by the wayside. But that's the only thing that will help heal me. We need to be faithful to pray - all of us - myself included.
- Wisdom for caring for Alex - that we'll be able to make sure all of his developmental/social/etc. needs are met even though we're busy caring for a baby and for me.
- For present and future family decisions regarding health issues.

Aaron's Gramma sent me a beautiful mustard seed necklace perhaps a month ago. I haven't taken it off since it arrived. In the Bible - book of Matthew - Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Every time I look in the mirror I am reminded that's all the faith God asks me/us to have. Even during the rough moments, I can have THAT much (little) faith that God will heal me - it's a matter of when he chooses to do so. I just need to remember that "faith is not believing He can, it's knowing that He will!"

~ Julia