Welcome to A Million Miracles.

In February of 2008 I was diagnosed with an incurable, progressive and terminal condition called Idiopathic Primary Pulmonary Hypertension (PH). In retrospect, we can trace this illness back to at least January of 2004, but you can have it for several years before you notice any symptoms. My diagnosis came after I was hospitalized for what ended up being almost three weeks - spent consecutively in three different hospitals - two of them being in ICU units. Over the past year we have been sending email updates to family and friends concerning my medical/physical journey as well as lessons I'm learning as a result.

These are those emails. There's no rhyme or reason as to when I send out another email update. It just happens when "the Spirit moves." But whenever I write and send one, I will also post it on this blog.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

#26 - Make a joyful NOISE

Date Sent: Thu, Oct 2, 2008 at 4:52 PM

"Make a joyful NOISE unto God, all ye lands" (Psalm 66:1)
"Sing aloud unto God our strength, make a joyful NOISE unto the God of Jacob" (Psalm 81:1)
"O come, let us sing unto the Lord: let us make a joyful NOISE to the rock of our salvation" (Psalm 95:1)
"Let us come before his presence with thanksgiving, and make a joyful NOISE unto him with psalms" (Psalm 95:2)
"Make a joyful NOISE unto the Lord, all the earth: make a loud NOISE, and rejoice, and sing praise" (Psalm 98:4)
"Make a joyful NOISE unto the Lord, all ye lands" (Psalm 100:1)

I've never been one of those girls with a pretty singing voice. You know what I mean - one of those women who sit behind you at church and sing perfect harmony (or melody) - one of those women who God has blessed with being able to sing a beautiful song. While you are trying to sing along you're totally distracted by (and a little envious of) their voice. So, rather than focusing on the meaning of the words you're singing, all you can do is focus on how lucky they are to be able to sing like that. I can't even sing and clap at the same time - never been able to. But when I was singing along with people, I could at least make my voice match the notes they were singing, and sing the basic notes to a song.

Well, seven months ago that changed. When I was in Pittsburgh, I got to the point that I couldn't breathe on my own anymore and had to be intubated. I was very pregnant with our second son, and lying there in a hospital bed with a machine breathing for me. (I can't imagine how difficult it was for my husband to sit there and look at me like that!) After almost a week of being intubated, they finally pulled out the tube going down my throat, and I coughed out a raspy few words. My sore throat got better and I could talk again. But I couldn't sing. At first I didn't have the lung capacity to sing, but as that improved, I noticed that it was more than that. It was weird - my singing voice became much deeper than it used to be, and most of the time I just couldn't force myself to hit the right notes. Oh, and my voice cracked a lot. I did some research on the internet, and then spoke with my doctor in Pittsburgh about it last month. Apparently it's pretty common for people to have difficulty singing after being intubated. What probably happened is that my throat was irritated by the tube in my throat, and it got inflamed, and scar tissue formed. The doctor offered to schedule me an appointment with a good Ear, Nose & Throat doctor who could look down my throat to tell me if it was permanent damage, or if maybe they could use a laser to burn off the scar tissue. The process didn't sound appealing, and I decided it wasn't enough of a problem for me to bother, I'd just go through life being the out-of-key person you heard singing behind you. I resigned myself to that fate, and sent out an email to some friends telling them the sad story of me not being able to find my voice.

One of my college girlfriends (who got my email) sent me a cd created by a woman she knows who is an alto. This way since I was singing/crackling low notes the best, I could listen to something that I could potentially be able to hit some of the notes. Well, the day it arrived in the mail, I grabbed the mail on the way to do some shopping. So, I popped it in the car's cd player as I drove. By the time I got to the second song I was sobbing. It's called "Precious Lord" (an old hymn by Thomas Dorsey), and is about how when we're in our deepest, darkest moments, when we are about to lose all hope, we beg God to come extra close to us and hold our hand so we don't slip, fall and give up. Since I was alone in the car I sang along (if you can call what I was doing singing). I sang the whole way to the store, sang it in my head the whole way through the store, and sang it the whole way home again. As I got back home, and was pulling in I realized that my voice wasn't messed up. I was actually hitting the notes! I was shocked (and totally red and splotchy from crying out to God as I sang the lyrics). When I went inside I got caught up in what was going on and forgot about it.

Then this past Sunday I noticed that I did okay singing at church. But it wasn't until Tuesday Morning Bible Study that it hit home to me. I was standing there beside a friend (who I think I sent that email to) and thought "goodness, she's going to think I'm full of it because here I am singing just fine." It was at that point that I realized I AM SINGING - - - ON KEY (most of the time) - - - AND NOT JUST THE LOW NOTES! So, what's the point? God's healing my voice, that's something the doctor couldn't promise me would happen! There's nothing new with that (I mean - it's AMAZING that God's healing me at all!), but God has already promised that this terminal illness won't last forever, so being healed when the doctors don't expect it isn't a new concept to me.

God told us to make a JOYFUL NOISE over and over again in the Bible. He didn't ask us to sing (beautiful) harmony and be that voice you're secretly envious of. He asked us to make a NOISE. I briefly wrote about the lessons I've been learning from the book of James about considering it pure JOY when we face trials of any kind (James 1:2). I've become more joyful, but wasn't making a joyful noise. I don't mean only in terms of singing.) I was singing encouraging scriptural songs to help me cope with the rough times, but my mind - my spirit - my voice wasn't making a JOYFUL NOISE to "God our strength" (Psalm 81:1). When I was finally willing to do that is when God came down and touched my scarred voice box. God never blessed me with a beautiful voice, but He's asked me to use the voice He DID give me. When I stepped outside my comfort zone and ignored the horrible sounds my voice was making, and used what ability I DIDN'T have, that's when God stepped in and made the little I had beautiful (okay - not beautiful, but MORE beautiful).

But this is true of so much more than just our voices. What are the "gifts" that you don't think ARE your "gifts" that you need to be using anyway. What is it that you're not great at - being hospitable, being friendly with people you don't know at church, helping in the church nursery, using the word "God" (I mean other than swearing) in conversation with people? God doesn't ask us to only give Him what we're GOOD at - what comes naturally to us. He asks us - countless times in Scripture - to make a joyful NOISE. When you're willing to do that with abandonment, without being self-conscious of how badly it sounds or looks like, that's when God will bless you. Maybe God wants you to invite someone (you don't know or don't know well) home to lunch after church on Sunday. Maybe you're shy and God wants you to bake some banana nut bread and take it to that neighbor you don't know - you only have to chat at the door for a minute or so and God can use that contact to open the door down the road - the door of friendship, or the door of evangelism. Maybe you're busy, but God wants you to make the time to start going to Wednesday night Bible study or Sunday evening service. Maybe you feel distant from your family members, and what He wants is for you to turn off the tv (you forget about the show you were watching by tomorrow anyway) and spend quality time with your family instead. Whatever the area, when you're willing to make a joyful noise, God will turn it into something beautiful. So, let's go make some noise.

~ Julia

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