A couple weeks ago I felt horrible - absolutely horrible. I mentioned in a previous email how I cried out to two friends one night during Thursday night prayer at church. I was tired, I was worn, I was about to give up. I ended up seeing my doctor a few days later, and he took me off the Viagra. When those two ladies saw me the following Thursday, it was like I was a new person - full of life again, full of energy, full of smiles. I had been "healed" to the point that the Viagra wasn't helping me anymore, but the doctor still wanted me to continue to increase the dosage of the iv medication some more. This way they could see how much I can tolerate - how much is helpful, and when it is that I hit the point that it's too much. Well, I did another increase this past Friday night just before bed - it feels like I've passed that threshold, and it's now too much. Usually I'm feeling quasi-normal by Sunday evening. It's now Wednesday night, and I still don't feel quasi-normal yet. I don't know if the problem is that this last increase was one too many, or if the problem is that I have a cold (AGAIN!) and that's wrecking havoc on my body. All I know is that I don't feel good. I'm so scared that I'm going to get to the same point of desperation that I reached that Thursday evening. Now's not the time for the doctor to decide what to do, we need to wait for the cold to go away and see if that was the problem or not. I don't want to play this waiting game.
My sister had been visiting from California with her toddler for the past two weeks, but they flew home today. I was wondering how I was going to survive the rest of the week alone during the day with the kids while Aaron works, since lately she'd been doing more childcare than I was. But then a college friend phoned me up and asked if she could come stay for a few days to help me - so she's here now. It's such a relief to know that there's someone else in the house. I'm just absolutely exhausted. Yesterday I literally spent all day sitting - I moved from the couch to the stool in the kitchen, to the dining room chair, and back again. I didn't have the energy even to pick up my crying baby - thank goodness my sister was here all day. Today a friend took both boys for the day so that I could rest (thank you!). Next week Aaron will be in Canada for work, and my mother will be here to help. But I still feel overwhelmed.
I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. I want this all to end. I want to be healed right now. Obviously right now isn't God's timing, or this tube would be out of my chest. I've seen God use this illness to do great things for His kingdom. Even tonight I read an email from someone who needed to read/hear something I typed in my last email. I know that God's plan is perfect, and that He doesn't make mistakes, but sometimes I wish this road wasn't so hard. I've grown so much as a person through all of this, but I'm tired of growing. I'd like a break. Aaron would like a break. I guess that's what God gave us last week when I felt better than I do now.
So, I don't have any pearls of wisdom that I've learned to pass onto you tonight. I don't have any sunshine to spread at the moment. Right now it's just raw emotion. I'm tired. I'm struggling. I need a Hur and an Aaron (Exodus 17:12) to come along side me and hold up my arms as this battle continues to be fought.
~ Julia
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