Welcome to A Million Miracles.

In February of 2008 I was diagnosed with an incurable, progressive and terminal condition called Idiopathic Primary Pulmonary Hypertension (PH). In retrospect, we can trace this illness back to at least January of 2004, but you can have it for several years before you notice any symptoms. My diagnosis came after I was hospitalized for what ended up being almost three weeks - spent consecutively in three different hospitals - two of them being in ICU units. Over the past year we have been sending email updates to family and friends concerning my medical/physical journey as well as lessons I'm learning as a result.

These are those emails. There's no rhyme or reason as to when I send out another email update. It just happens when "the Spirit moves." But whenever I write and send one, I will also post it on this blog.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

#27 - I'm Struggling

Date Sent: Wed, Oct 8, 2008 at 11:07 PM

So, I've been struggling this week. I considered sending out an email, but felt I didn't have anything positive or encouraging to say, so I didn't. I was talking with a friend tonight (who could tell just by looking at my face that it's a rough week) at Bible study, and she reminded me that these are the times that I should send out an email - and get extra prayers coming my direction. She said that it's "okay to admit that the girl who's struggling to live is struggling." So, here I am saying it for the whole world to hear - I'm struggling.

A couple weeks ago I felt horrible - absolutely horrible. I mentioned in a previous email how I cried out to two friends one night during Thursday night prayer at church. I was tired, I was worn, I was about to give up. I ended up seeing my doctor a few days later, and he took me off the Viagra. When those two ladies saw me the following Thursday, it was like I was a new person - full of life again, full of energy, full of smiles. I had been "healed" to the point that the Viagra wasn't helping me anymore, but the doctor still wanted me to continue to increase the dosage of the iv medication some more. This way they could see how much I can tolerate - how much is helpful, and when it is that I hit the point that it's too much. Well, I did another increase this past Friday night just before bed - it feels like I've passed that threshold, and it's now too much. Usually I'm feeling quasi-normal by Sunday evening. It's now Wednesday night, and I still don't feel quasi-normal yet. I don't know if the problem is that this last increase was one too many, or if the problem is that I have a cold (AGAIN!) and that's wrecking havoc on my body. All I know is that I don't feel good. I'm so scared that I'm going to get to the same point of desperation that I reached that Thursday evening. Now's not the time for the doctor to decide what to do, we need to wait for the cold to go away and see if that was the problem or not. I don't want to play this waiting game.

My sister had been visiting from California with her toddler for the past two weeks, but they flew home today. I was wondering how I was going to survive the rest of the week alone during the day with the kids while Aaron works, since lately she'd been doing more childcare than I was. But then a college friend phoned me up and asked if she could come stay for a few days to help me - so she's here now. It's such a relief to know that there's someone else in the house. I'm just absolutely exhausted. Yesterday I literally spent all day sitting - I moved from the couch to the stool in the kitchen, to the dining room chair, and back again. I didn't have the energy even to pick up my crying baby - thank goodness my sister was here all day. Today a friend took both boys for the day so that I could rest (thank you!). Next week Aaron will be in Canada for work, and my mother will be here to help. But I still feel overwhelmed.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. I want this all to end. I want to be healed right now. Obviously right now isn't God's timing, or this tube would be out of my chest. I've seen God use this illness to do great things for His kingdom. Even tonight I read an email from someone who needed to read/hear something I typed in my last email. I know that God's plan is perfect, and that He doesn't make mistakes, but sometimes I wish this road wasn't so hard. I've grown so much as a person through all of this, but I'm tired of growing. I'd like a break. Aaron would like a break. I guess that's what God gave us last week when I felt better than I do now.

So, I don't have any pearls of wisdom that I've learned to pass onto you tonight. I don't have any sunshine to spread at the moment. Right now it's just raw emotion. I'm tired. I'm struggling. I need a Hur and an Aaron (Exodus 17:12) to come along side me and hold up my arms as this battle continues to be fought.

~ Julia

No comments:

Post a Comment